Hitting rock bottom

My feelings since Thursday Night

Hello, my beautiful readers. Welcome back. I must say, though, this blog is gunna be a bit doomy and gloomy, but that is how I have been feeling since Thursday night.

See the little dots?
A herd of Deer.

Thursday had already been one of those days where I just 'felt' like I should stay home and not socialize with those in the real world. None the less, I had places to go, things to do, photos to take. Staying home was not an option. I was maintaining a bit of control over my anxiety. I had anxiety about having to wait to long, tools left out for people to just walk by and grab, where to have lunch, I need gas in Scooter2. To add to it, pain, from my back. Wednesday's night of playing Rook with friends sent my back into pain and had me wimpering home, that an we got beat, the girls against the boys, and I was not taking loosing well, which, normally, I am a good looser. So Thursday pain was my constant companion on Friday.

Going, Going... Gone

When I finally got home, I thought "Ah, I can finally curl up on the couch with a cup o Joe, my kids, and watch a bit of TV. NOPE! NOT HAPPENING! The last of the jerky needed to be dried in the oven. I was so not into that, but I stood (big mistake when my back is hurting) in the kitchen and got the meat on the oven rack. Papa couldn't help cuz he was getting ready for his bible study. While I was putting the meat on the rack, Papa fired up the oven. I put the rack in the oven and walked off. THAT...IS...WHEN...TROUBLE...HIT!!! Apparently, the oven had not been cleaned out, (Papa's job as my back hurts to much to get down there and clean it) and the house FILLED...WITH...SMOKE!!! And now I can't breath. My lungs are sensitive and can not take smoke. So now I'm coughing and can't hang out in the living room to relax! I seek shelter in the bedroom, flop down on the bed, my night ruined, and just started bawling like a baby... and couldn't stop... and was freaking Papa out... and he was worried to leave... and said he felt bad... and he opened up the back door near the kitchen to get the smoke out... and I am freaking out cuz the smell will get on his suit cuz he could smell it on me... and he's afraid to leave... I insisted he go on the Bible Study. The smoke was 90% gone, and I was 100% gone. I curled up on the couch with my coffee, kids, remote in hand, and hadn't left that spot except for the occasional potty break, food break. Papa even had to help put me in bed... (I hate it when I'm like this!)

Pretty bad when I don't feel like Blue Friday

Friday, I was still so far gone. Papa had woke me up so that we could head over to the Kingdom Hall and attend the morning field service meeting, our Circuit Overseer is in town for the week, and Tuesday night he announced that the topic of discussions for the ministry meeting was going to be 'The Name of Jehovah', and while I'm sitting on the toilet, I'm just crying like a baby, but I knew I would, cuz when Papa woke me up, I felt the tears coming as I was waking.... LIKE... REALLY?!?!?! I curled up on the couch with my coffee, kids, remote in hand, and hadn't left that spot except for the occasional potty break, food break. (I hate it when I'm like this!) I didn't even do anything for 'Blue Friday' (it's a Seahawk thing). When I am emotionally unstable like this, I can't talk to others. The sound of their voice is to much for me to handle, I have a hard time handling compassion. For that reason, I couldn't even take a phone call from my mom, and later, when my daughter called... NOPE... I even had anxiety texting her to let her know I couldn't talk to her on the phone. I did text Papa this: God, could my day get any worse?

Find this wonderful book at: jw.org

Saturday morning, Papa heads out into the Ministry without me. I don't quiet feel like I am ready to interact with the real world. But I can't NOT say anything about Jehovah. I can only NOT talk about him for so long. So I am gunna work on my other blog: How Jehovah got my attention: Part 5. I am pretty close to wrapping that on up. It is a bit of a read, I'll give ya that.

Later, maybe some Football will cheer me up... Go Seattle Seahawks!!! Go Richard Sherman!!! I...J...S...