Min Pin Country: Bullying, The World's Way - Impartiality, Jehovah's way

Welcome back you beautiful readers.

Have you ever been bullied? As a child?

Have you ever been bullied? As an adult?

Does it still happen?

I was bullied as a child, and even now decades later, it still affects me.

Let's hop on that memory time machine and go all the way back to the 70's, when I was in grade school, oh yes, all the way back at grade school. My family lived on an Indian reservation in Wyoming. We moved there from the east coast. The school I first attended was on the reservation, and the majority of the kids were Indians. There was this girl in school, Lynette G., and... SHE... HAD... A... GANG... She was a popular girl in school, and ALL the girls wanted to be in her gang. If you were in her gang, you were protected. I was not in her gang, but I wanted to be. It wasn't easy to be me, or anyone else that wasn't in her gang. Being isolated, intimidated, picked on, or down right ignored. There are MANY stories I could share with you, but the one that sticks out the most was an incident that happened after a P.E. class relay race around the track. The coach put the class into teams, and I was on Lynette's team. I was terrified!!! Now mind you, I was a fast runner, but the race we were running I had never done before, I had never ran a relay race. I didn't know what to do, and when the baton was handed to me. I dropped it, had to go back for it, and though I was fast, my speed wasn't enough to help me out, and our team lost the race. Back in the shower room, Lynette and her gang had surrounded me, and they tied my hair into knots... I had shoulder length hair. I was so scared. I was crying, and I just sat there and let them do that to me. And when the coach saw me crying, I would not tell her what had happened out of fear of what the gang would do to me.

I remember 3 bulling incidents
involving a school bus

Now let's jump up a few years to Junior High. When my family moved from one town to the other, still on an Indian Reservation, and now, my sister and I are going to be going to another Indian School. We were the minority. My sister and I were 2 of 5 white kids in that school. Tough, and being a preachers kid on top of that, it was even worse. I went into that school with the mindset that I was not going to be bullied again. In my memory, it was day 1, that I had troubles. In our home room class, there was this boy, yes, a popular boy, named Alfred A. He labeled me with a name that, and I kid you not, everyone in the school called me. I think I aggravated the situation when I would chase after those on the playground that would call me that name. Once, when my dad was waiting at the bus stop for us, he witnessed the entire bus hanging out the windows, calling me that name. Of course, he did what any loving dad would do, he talked to the school officials, and it helped some, but, no... I was branded with that name, and lived with it for 4 years. I had found out that they were only my friend if I had chew, Copenhagen, which was popular back then and the kids would flock around me at lunch time cuz I had some, which I would steal, yep, from the Pamida store in the closest town. But if I didn't have any, those 'friends' went back to the abuse and bulling, so I quickly learned they were not my friends. I remember thinking that they were nice to me sometimes, which I liked, but mean mostly. I couldn't handle the back and forth of their 'friendship.' Because of the meanness of everybody, I did not make friends. I cut everyone off from my chew, and stuck to myself. I trusted no one.

That school changed me. I look back and see that now. It really did make me the person I am today. I am happy in my aloneness, because if you have friends, you have pain. I didn't trust anyone, because lies were all I knew. So I entered High School with a chip on my shoulder, and a brick wall built high and thick around my heart. I was terrified that I would go through another 4 years of being bullied, and I was terrified that 'that name' would follow me into high school. So, I was stealing myself, planting my feet, so as not to be bullied.

Sure enough, it began again. But to my relief, there weren't a lot of Indians this time, as the High School I went to was off of the Indian Reservation and now the Indians were the minority. Nope, this time, it was a white girl. She did or said something to me, I don't remember what, and then ran onto her bus to get away from me. I challenged her. (Mind you, I was determined not to be bullied.) She got off the bus, smiling and cocky, and was mouthing off, (like that's fighting) and I attacked her, I went for her throat. We will never know who would have won that fight, because some seniors in the school broke up the fight. But that gave me the confidence I needed. I was not harassed. I was not popular. But I was left alone. I did fall into the wrong crowd, but, that discussion can be tabled for later.

Yep, I am who I am because of my childhood. Between being bullied at school and having an abusive father, I have grown up hard, hating, rebellious, and non-trusting, even having issues with authority. No sir ree, this kid was not going to be bullied or abused any more. I stood up to the bullies, I stood up to my dad, and now, I still stand up to bullies, and abusers. And boy do I have some stories to tell about standing up to abusers, but again, that discussion can be tabled for later.

So as you can imagine, coming into Jehovah's organization, I came with a lot of HEAVY baggage. Hatred/forgiveness was the hardest thing for me... but trust was equally as hard. I trusted no one, and didn't want to. But, being around Jehovah's people did teach me that they are not like people in the world. We live our lives by bible principle to love one another and to be honest with one another, and honesty goes a long long long way, especially with me. And there is no partiality among Jehovah's people. We are all, not mater the race or background, family...FAMILY y'all... and for me, that like the bestest feeling evah!!!

I realize now, that the hatred and the wall that was wrapped around my heart wasn't really a protection for me, and I slowly learned to trust, and learned to let go of the hatred that was an old familiar friend for so long.

My spiritual mom was the only one whom I trusted, and after her death, I realized that there was things that she did not tell me, and that hurt, as I thought we were best friends. Now, I realize that not everything needs to be shared, but her withholding things from me affected me, and she remains the only one I let get that close to me. Don't get me wrong, I dearly Dearly DEARLY love my brothers and sisters... but from a distance. I still protect and guard my heart, and the number of close friends I have I can count on one hand. But those few are so dear to me, something I did not have growing up, and I hope that I can be the friend that they need. (Well, now I've done gone and made myself cry.)

I still have issues, as mentioned above. If someone hovers over me, or gets in my space, I suddenly feel dominated, trapped, and the need to remove myself from the area is overwhelming and very powerful. I also have control issues in that; don't force things on me... be it some wonderful new health remedy, or your doctors advice, (stuff like that.) I will jump in when I see others getting bullied. And animals, well, I am not sure what I would do if I actually saw someone abusing an animal...

I do not have trouble with the guidance that comes from the elders, after all, they are looking out for us, and when we are given direction, I follow it... but don't tell me what chair to sit in. (That kind of stuff.) Actually, nothing tempers me more than the Brothers at the hall. They are the calm that I need as I respect my elders and want to please Jehovah. And Jehovah makes good people, so one day, I hope to be all that he wants me to be... (does that sound cheesy?)